It's like a parade of train wrecks.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
me + whiskey = a bad person
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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