how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
