I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
