it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
