somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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