the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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