I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
