Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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