People in love make me want to vomit
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
