Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize