got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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