My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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