I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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