I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize