I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
