I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
