That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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