my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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