Don't make out with my wife yet
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
