Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Randomize
