Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
