overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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