My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
