So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
