I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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