Pants 0. Shit 1.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
