Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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