Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
