I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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