So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
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