dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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