SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize