Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You made out with two different species that night
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
