I like my sex mixed with concussions.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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