Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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