JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
