soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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