found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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