Only a mothe r could love this liver
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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