I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
