How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
