he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
