I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
