this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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