Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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