I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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