Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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