I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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