to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
