you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
