He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
