i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
