took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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