If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
organizing the empties. That sober.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
