My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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