I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
