Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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