I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
