you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
