you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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