I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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