"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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