i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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