He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
